Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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