I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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