you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
