i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
