In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
