I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
