Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
