Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
