i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
