well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
