I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
