whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my being single is dangerous.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
