Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
