Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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