i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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