my phone needs a breathalizer
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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