Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
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