You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
