Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
