Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
