Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
