I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
