oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
