your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
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