The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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