I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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