So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
