Umm I'm too high to move.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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