I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Come on in and take your pants off
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