Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
