puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
