I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
