My hand turned me down
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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