Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There's always time for handjobs
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
