Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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