I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
