Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
