I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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