I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
