You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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