filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
