bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
