I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
