there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
