3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
People with herpes should wear stickers.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
