oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
