I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
