Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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