I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
