please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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