dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
