i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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