At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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