8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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