Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
