If i come over, it means nothing
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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